ZIR
by Invader Hera
Summary: Zim gets tired of Gir ruining all of his plans, so he makes a new SIR, called ZIR. Gir goes to live with Dib, and ZIR malfunctions like everything else Zim's made. It's PG13 just to be safe.
1. Zim

ZIR

By InvaderHera

Disclaimer: I don't own any Invader ZIM stuff. Jhonen Vasquez does because he's cool. I own ZIR, though. Ah made him mahself!

Author's Note: Author's Notes are fun. Anyway, I haven't written fan fiction in a while, so be nice. I'm sensitive. Please review this, though, nicely. I don't like flames. They make me angry!

Chapter 1: Zim's Amazing Plan

I almost had him, Zim thought; I almost captured the horrible Dib stink. My plan was so ingenious; he would have had no chance of escaping, if it weren't for that awful robot!

He was going to kidnap the Dib late at night, but hide him in a place not even Dib's terrifying sister could rescue him from. He had made perfectly sure that Gir wouldn't know where Dib was, so he couldn't mess it up like he's done so many times before. But, just as Zim was about to grab Dib, Gir flew out of nowhere and asked where the tuna was. Dib woke up, took their pictures, and Zim had to steal the horrible Earth boy's camera before he could show anyone. Gir wasn't any help the whole time. He just sat in Dib's front lawn and ate the grass. What a horrible night that was.

Zim could still hear Gir's childish giggling all the way upstairs. He could never get any peace from that horrible machine. "Advanced, my squeedly spooch!" Zim growled. "Not even a human can cause as much damage as him!"

The poor, little Irken had been on Earth around three years, and he didn't think he could stand much more of Gir's annoying random remarks and high-pitched voice. When will the madness end?

Just then, Gir dropped from some nifty, little pipe in the ceiling, looking very distressed.

"Master! I just noticed I have no hair! I'm bald!" He fell on his knees and started crying.

"Gir, I thought I told you to stay upstairs!" Zim yelled, though Gir was too busy wallowing in his own hairless misery to notice.

Gir cried a bit more. But, before Zim could repeat what he said, the robot shrieked, "Master, you're bald, too!"

"Gir, get out of here right now! Eat some of your disgusting cupcake filth or something!"

Gir immediately stopped crying. "Okay!" He somehow disappeared up the nifty pipe in the ceiling again.

"I am too amazing for hair! Stupid robot and his stupidâstuff he says!" As Zim stood there, breathing heavily, he got an amazing idea that is so amazing, only his level of amazingness could think it upâamazingly. "I know!" he announced to no one in particular (But who _wouldn't_ want to hear Zim's amazing plan?), "I will build a new SIR! One so amazing and ingenious, that it isâuhâneat. Yes. It's perfect. Why didn't I think of this sooner?"

Zim laughed evilly, coughed a bit, then, laughed some more. Oh, and such laughing it was. With a new SIR, Zim would have no trouble in destroying the Dib-monkey and conquering such a filthy ball of filthy dirt as Earth. Zim made a cute, little happy sound and went to some room that I don't know the name of to make something really neatorific.

Author's Note: Wow, this was bad. It'll hopefully get better in later chapters. Be nice about it.


	2. ZIR

Chapter 2: ZIR

As Gir watched The Scary Monkey Show, spilling chocolate bubblegum slushie all over the floor, he had no idea of the amazingness going on amazingly beneath him in the amazing lab. (Amazing is a cool word.) Zim had been working on the new SIR for a couple of days now, but it was almost finished, which is neat. Oh, and how neat it is.

Down in Zim's lab, Zim was...well...doing the stuff I just said he was doing. Don't you ever listen? Anyway, he worked in silence for a few more minutes, and then he was done his ingenious, amazing, wonderful, robot-buildingness...um...of doom! Yay!

"Finally, I have a robot slave that is almost amazing as me...or at least half as amazing as me, for I am so very amazing. Mwahaha! I'm awesome. I shall call this new SIR Zim's Really Amazing, Super Neat, But Not as Amazing as Him Information Retrieval unit, or ZIR for short."

Zim laughed a bit more, then, pressed a little button on the robot's head. ZIR's eyes lit up red, and he looked all cool and nifty-like. He saluted quite niftily (Zim forgot to mention how nifty this robot was.) and said, "ZIR, reporting for duty!" Isn't that neat?

Zim brought nifty, little ZIR upstairs, where Gir was having a spot of tea with his spiffing pig friends.

The Irken glared at the big puddle of slushie near the couch, then, turned to Gir, who gave him a dorky smile.

"Gir, I have made a new SIR and..."

"Hi, SIR! Let's eat rice!" Gir ran over to ZIR, about to give him a hug, but Zim stopped him, 'cause he's cool.

"Gir, listen to me! I don't need you anymore. You've messed up all my plans, and it's time you left before you do something else stupid." Zim was about to say something else, but Gir looked hurt and interrupted him.

"I'm not stupid; I'm advanced!" Gir crossed his arms and pouted.

Zim sighed, then, tried to finish his go-away speech before Gir interrupted him again. "It's time for you to leave. Self-destruct now."

"Never!" Gir shrieked dramatically. He grabbed his piggy wiggy and ran outside. (Poor Gir, he didn't get to finish his tea.)

Zim threw Gir's doggy disguise outside. "Fine, Gir! If you're going to disobey me, you have to at least disguise yourself. I don't want any humans seeing you."

"Humans don't care if I'm naked!" Gir yelled.

"Be quiet! ZIR would kill himself if I told him to! Now, go away and cry for you lost the privilege of being near me, for I am Zim!" Zim slammed the door shut now that he was done yelling and making the neighbors give them looks.

Gir put on his amazing doggy rues and left the house as the creepy neighbor tells his creepy, warty other-person-he-lives-with, "Uh...look at that! It's one o' them...uh...golden retrievers!" (As this was happening, the pig ran away and got hit by a car. A really big one.)

While all this was happening, ZIR was standing all obedient where Zim had left him. Aww. How cute.

"ZIR!"

"Sir!" ZIR saluted.

"Clean this mess up!" Zim ordered.

"Yes, my lord!"

ZIR immediately began cleaning the slushie puddle from the floor with a mop that popped out of his head. (You'd be surprise at how much storage space is in a SIR's head.) Zim went back into the lab to get something to stop the headache Gir's screaming had caused him, unknowing of what his former retarded robot was doing. Oh, the suspense! Don't you hate it?


	3. Someone Ate All the Cereal Again

Chapter 3: Someone Ate All the Cereal Again

As Dib walked back into his house after trying to spy on Zim, a Poop cola can was thrown into his face.

"You ate all the cereal again, Dib!" Gaz said, getting ready to throw something else.

"What is it with you and cereal?" Dib asked. "I didn't eat any cereal today. I was busy saving the world."

"Oh, sure. And you think since you're saving the world, that all the cereal belongs to you?"

Dib ducked as a lamp was thrown at him.

"I already told you I didn't eat any of your cereal!" Dib ran upstairs before Gaz could throw the remote at him.

She probably ate it all herself and just wants another excuse to attack me, Dib thought. But, when he got into his room, he noticed cereal crumbs on the floor. (It was Lucky Charms cereal. Lucky Charms are weird. Stupid leprechaun!)

Dib stared at the demon leprechaun cereal for a few seconds, then, looked up to see Gir sitting on his bed eating like a pig. (But, he's not a pig, so how is that possible?)

"Hi!" Gir shrieked, chewed food coming out of his mouth.

"What are you doing in here?" Dib asked, obviously annoyed.

"Master doesn't want me anymore, so I came here. You seem nice. I like you," Gir explained as he shoved more food into his mouth.

"Zim doesn't want you anymore?" Dib was getting suspicious.

"Uh-huh!" Gir nodded.

"Why?"

"'Cause he's a meanie-head!" (Gir seems like a whiny kid in this.)

"But, why did he get rid of you? You didn't even answer the question!" Dib exclaimed.

"You didn't ask nicely!"

"Just answer the question."

"Say please."

Dib sighed. "Please, answer the question before I throw you out the window."

"Okay. Master got a new robot. He made me leave before I could give the new robot a hug. I'm sad now." Gir looked down at his "feet" and looked like he was about to cry.

Dib gave Gir a strange look, still not sure if he should trust him. "You're not some kind of evil spying thing, are you?"

Gir looked hurt. "No. I'm nice." He began eating cereal again.

It looked like he could trust the messy, little robot (who was drooling on his bed at the moment). If Zim really did get rid of him, maybe he could use Gir to help him. If only Gir wasn't so annoying.

"Gir, do you think you could help me?" Dib asked.

"With what?" Gir looked happy again.

"Do you think you could help me spy on Zim?" As Dib asked this, he wondered how Gir could be so messy. His bed was covered in crumbs and slobber. He didn't even know robots had spit.

"I'll help you, but only if you give me a hug!"

Before Dib could say anything, Gir got up and gave Dib a big hug. While he did this, he said, "You smell like dust-bunnies."

When the horrible, huggy doom was over, (Gir hugged him for ten minutes. It would've been longer if Dib didn't say please to get him to let go.) Dib got a chance to clean the filth from his bed as Gir knocked over a lamp and got close to breaking a hole in the window. That night, Dib almost got beaten up by Gaz after she heard a weird screaming noise coming from his room. (Gir is afraid of the dark.) After such a short time with Gir, he almost regretted not throwing the robot out the window (or maybe into the road in the path of a car). Oh, well. It could be worse, Dib thought, until Gir snuggled into bed next to him and hogged all the blankets.


	4. When Good SIRs Go Bad

Chapter 4: When Good SIRs Go Bad

It was Monday, and Zim was at Skool. ZIR was alone in the base for the first time. Alone to evil thoughts of thoughtful evil. Bow down to the thoughtful evil before it devours your brain meats! Bwaha! cough

ZIR had been around Zim for only a day, but he already saw how stupid Zim's plans were. His latest plan was to take over the world with rabid squirrels...of doom! Not only was he a moron, he was really bossy, making ZIR do...stuff! Oh, no!

But, despite all of this, ZIR wanted to take over the world just as much as his Master. Taking over the Earth, ZIR thought, would be so much easier without him. Like how much easier it is to drink barbecue sauce sitting down rather than while juggling

ZIR knew he couldn't kill Zim, though. Not only would the rating of this story go up, but ZIR didn't know about Zim's lab as much as the bossy, little Irken did. (And I couldn't kill Zim. He's too cute. "I couldn't fire a missile at that fooby, little face, could you?")

ZIR got an evil idea. The level of evilness wasn't as high as the level of amazingness of Zim's plan, but it was still quite evil. Oh, and how evil it was. And his evil plan was...

Since I like torturing peoples with suspense, I'm stopping this part here. Bow before my suspenseful evil! Bwaha...No, wait, don't click the back button; I'm sorry!

Meanwhile, after Skool in Dib's house...

Gir was following Dib wherever he went. It was really annoying. He even went as far as to break Professor Membrane's toaster. Oh, how he shall pay for that!

It was really stormy outside, so he wasn't bothering spying on Zim today. And he got no sleep last night, since Gir took the blankets, and it was really cold.

As Dib tried to get something for dinner, Gir yelled, "I love you! Give me a kiss!"

Of course, Dib ignored Gir as he ate a piece of bread (unable to make it into toast. sniff This could be angst.)

When Gaz came into the room, Gir yelled, "Hi! I like fish!"

Gaz glared at Gir. (Is that like alliteration or something?) "What is Zim's robot doing here?" she asked.

"He's going to help me spy on Zim," Dib answered, though he was thinking more about what it would be like if Gir would just spontaneously combust. (Ooh, look at me and my big words!)

"It doesn't look like he's helping," Gaz said, as she went to make some toast.

Dib looked down to see Gir trying to eat his shoe.

"Why is the toaster broken?" Gaz was all angry and scary now.

Dib just pointed at Gir, and his horrifying sister understood, (though she was still scary).

That night, Dib didn't get any sleep again. Gir was crying about having a nightmare about Frankenchokey, and Dib had to calm him (while getting violent robot-killing thoughts in his enormous head). Poor Dib. I feel your pain...wait. No, I don't.


	5. A Few Doomy Weeks Later

Chapter 5: A Few Doomy Weeks Later

Zim was in his lab, looking through a window into a room filled with burning rabid squirrels. He wanted to see how they reacted to being lit on fire. Obviously, not very good.

"Pathetic Earth beasts!" Zim chuckled. (I hate the word chuckle.) "They can't handle even a little fire. Maybe I should see how long they last under waterâ€."

Just then, ZIR walked up behind him.

"Master, I think I saw a rabid squirrel running around behind some wires. It must've gotten free. Maybe you should come look at it, just in case I'm wrong," ZIR said.

"Okay. Show me where it is."

As Zim followed ZIR to the escaped squirrel monster, he was very grateful that Gir wasn't around during this. That horrid robot would've tried to eat the squirrel, and there would've been a mess of squirrel-meats to clean up.

After a short time, ZIR pointed to some cool Irken machines. "It was back there last time I saw it."

"Thank you, ZIR. It's good to have a robot that actually helps," Zim said as he went to inspect the machine stuff.

ZIR made sure Zim wasn't looking, then, took out a small, machine thingy. He waited until Zim was in the right place, then, pressed a red button. (Red is a good, evil color, isn't it?) As soon as the button was pressed, the ground beneath Zim opened up, and he fell into a deep pit.

The traitorous robot walked over to the edge of the pit and looked down with an evil grin on his face.

"What do you think you're doing?" Zim yelled as he extended the spider legs from his PAK.

"Don't try to escape," ZIR said. "You built me too well to let that happen."

With that, ZIR pressed the button again and the floor closed back up, leaving Zim in darkness.

Meanwhile

The madness didn't seem like it would ever end at Dib's house. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get Gir to stop running around and breaking things. That robot seemed more like some kind of evil, destructive monkey than something that could help him spy on Zim.

But, right now, Dib was alone to some peace and quiet. Gir was downstairs watching The Scary Monkey Show. He sometimes heard random shrieks from downstairs, but besides that, everything was quiet.

"That robot's screaming; it's in my brain!" Dib told himself dramatically. "If I don't learn to control it, I might end up having to destroy that horrible thing!"

Dib glanced over at the baseball bat he had placed in a corner of his room just for that occasion. Maybe if he smacked the robot hard enough, it would leave him alone.

Now Dib could hear Gir coming up the stairs, singing some annoying little song he must have heard in a commercial or something. When Gir walked into his room, he yelled, "Hey, Dibby Dibby Dib Dib! Let's make a quiche!"

"Gir," Dib said wearily, "I have to talk to you about something. Please stop being creepy, and listen to me."

Gir's tongue was now hanging out of his mouth as he looked at an imaginary bug on the ceiling. "Okay." Gir sat down on Dib's bed.

"Please, Gir, "Dib pleaded, "Please stop breaking things, and yelling stupid stuff, and trying to eat my clothes. If you don't, I might have to do something crazy."

Gir blinked a few times, and Dib thought the robot didn't even hear him. But, after a few moments, Gir said in a normal voice, "Okay, I'll be good."

Dib was shocked. "You will?"

"Yeah. You said please."

Dib stood in silence for a moment or two, then, said, "Wow. Why didn't I try that before?"


	6. Gir is Being Good gasp

Chapter 6: Gir is Beingâ€Good gasp

Dib finally got a full night's sleep. Gir hadn't done a single thing wrong. Right now, he was curled up on the floor, sleeping like any normal robot disguised as a green dog would.

Today was conveniently a Saturday, and Dib felt like using Gir'sâ€umâ€knowledge, if you could call it that, (Gir was still a nut-case no matter how well-behaved he finally is.) to get into Zim's house.

"Gir, get up," Dib said.

Gir did just as he was told (Wow!) and even saluted. "Yes, Master Dib!"

Dib, equipped with a nifty, little camera (of doom), and Gir, equipped with his amazing "knowledge" (of doom), went over to Zim's house. The gnomes stared at them creepily, (Just as a Barbie would on a dark night. Mwahahahaha! Or those dolls that say, "Mommy!" shiver) but Dib had no fear, for Gir was hereâ€ready to do stuff!

Gir walked right up to Zim's front door with Dib following, and the gnomes did nothing. They walked inside with no problem at all. (Zim still hasn't learned to lock the door.) Zim, luckily, was no where to be seen. (I wonder where he is. sarcastically)

Gir brought Dib into the lab, where the gargantuan-headed human took pictures while Gir stood guard. (And amazingly, he didn't even start singing. Neato-burrito.)

While Dib and Gir were doin' stuff, Zim was still alone in the pit thingy. Poor Zimmy. He deserves a hug.

Zim had no idea what that awful robot (And this time he means ZIR. Scary.) was doing. Why does everything I make turn out so stupid? Zim thought. Everything either blows up or tries to kill me.

He couldn't think of any way out at the moment, so he thought he'd ask the computer for help.

"Computer!" Zim yelled. "Get me out of here right now!"

"Um" The computer sounded nervous. "I'm not really supposed to help you. Master ZIR won't let me."

"Master ZIR? You listen to that robot but not me?"

"Yeah. I guess I do."

"Why?" Zim asked.

"I don't know," the computer answered. "I'm not supposed to even be talking to you, actually. Uhâ€be quiet or something."

"You dare you tell me be quiet? How dare you invoke the wrath of Zim! Once I get out of here, you'll wish you were neverâ€umâ€built! Do you hear me?"

There was no answer.

"Do you? Huh? Huh? Answer me!"

There was still no answer, so Zim just sat down to use more of his amazing brain-skills on a way-to-get-out-of-traitor-robot's-pit, plan A.

"Oh, how that robot will pay for this!" Zim growled, "Oh, how he will pay!" Zim laughed. "And such paying it will be! So much payingâ€it isâ€a lotâ€of paying."

After such a pathetically lame threat, Zim went back to thinking. Oh, and such thinking it was. So much, that it's a lot. Bwaha!


	7. Dib and Gir's Doom Mwahahaha!

Chapter 7: Dib and Gir's Doom! Mwahaha!

Zim was sleeping after a hard day of thinking. He couldn't think of any good plans yet, except trying to summon the wrath of the rabid squirrels to free him...but ZIR must've gotten rid of them for his evil...stuff. Zim's antenna twitched as a horrible vision gave into his head.

Everything was dark, then out of the darkness came the dreaded...Peggi human! And she wanted to give Zim a hug! Horror!

Zim woke up, screaming, "No! Human germs! Filthy, filthy human germy filth!"

He looked around wildly, but the Peggi was nowhere to be found. Zim sighed. Everything was okay, until he realized he was still stuck in ZIR's trap. Poor Zimmy went back to thinking with his amazing, Irken brain-meats.

Meanwhile, ZIR was still being evil. He was working on an evil plan to destroy the humans, and maybe he'd get rid of Zim when it was all over. Bwahaha!

"Master ZIR!" The computer seemed as distressed as a computer possibly could sound.

"Can't you see I'm busy!" ZIR snapped.

"Um, I don't have eyes," the computer said, "But, I have to tell you something important."

"What is it then?" ZIR asked impatiently.

"Uh...well...you see...a human and a robot kinda got in here. They're in the lab, and I just noticed they were here."

ZIR was too angry to speak at first. Finally, he asked, "Where are they?"

The computer answered him, and since I don't know the names of places in Zim's lab, I'll just sing until this part's over. hums Mario theme song

ZIR ran away to the insert room name here room to capture the intruders.

Dib was still taking pictures as Gir stood watch.

"Master Dib, I think I hear something," Gir said.

Dib listened for a moment. He heard footsteps coming their way. "What do you think it is?" Dib whispered.

"I don't..."

Before they knew what was happening, Dib was knocked unconscious, while Gir was put offline.

And Hera said, "Let there be suspense!" and she saw that it was annoying. (I'm not, like, making fun of the Bible or anything. I'm just being funny. nervous smile)


	8. Stuck in the Pit of Horrible, Screaming ...

Chapter 8: Stuck in the Pit of Horrible, Screaming Pain...Kinda

Zim awoke with a start. Some evil dirt-child tried to hug his superior, Irken belly again. Someone by the name of...Allyssa8. "What are these visions of humans...and filthy hugs? Why must they haunt me?"

"You're pathetic."

Zim looked over to see Dib and Gir sitting not too far away, giving him looks.

"What are you doing here?" Zim asked, glaring at him like some kind of horrible, glare thing.

"What do you think?" Dib said grumpily.

"Trying to spy on me again, Dib-stink? And with the help of Gir, my own robot?"

"You don't even want me anymore!" Gir yelled at him.

Zim turned his evil glare to Gir for a moment, then, back to Dib. "So, that little beast, ZIR, got you, too?"

"No, I just dropped down here for a visit," Dib said sarcastically.

"Don't be rude to me, Dib! I could kill you right now if I wanted to!"

Dib just ignored him as he pulled his broken camera out of his pocket. He must've landed on it when he fell down here.

For the rest of the day, they all sat there in silence. Gir sat on Dib's lap, while Zim sat in a corner, afraid that another human would try to hug him.

Meanwhile, there was really evil stuff happening. The stuff was so eeeeevil, that you would say, "Oh, my gosh! That is really evil!" And, "Yes," I would say, "It's so evil that it's eeeeevil!" And you would say, "Oh, my...

ZIR was almost finished working on his horrible machine thingy of screaming temporal doom...um...of doom! Really yucky doom.

"This machine will destroy those awful humans so fast; they won't be able to defend their feeble, little stomach meats! All their nasty spleens and kidneys and medulla oblongatas will be strewn all over their filthy planet!" ZIR laughed evilly. "And maybe, when it's all over, and this planet belongs to me, I shall destroy my prisoners in the worst way possible...which I haven't thought of yet." ZIR paused and thought, then continued his evil ranting. "But, I will think of something! Nasty, horrible, wretched, really, really bad stuff takes a while to think up. Bwahaha! No one will dare mess with ZIR ever again!"

ZIR laughed evilly again, then, went back to work.

The next day...

Now it was Zim's turn to want to hurt Gir so bad that the robot would never come within twenty feet of him ever again. Gir had his finger an inch from Zim's eye, repeating over and over again, "I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!"

No matter how much Zim tried to swat the annoying robot away, it only caused Gir to repeat the same stupid sentence even more annoyingly, if that's even possible.

Today was going to be a long day...and so was the day after that...and the day after that...


	9. The Doom Bot

Chapter 9: The Doom Bot

Zim got no sleep that night. Luckily, no human tried to hug him again, but he was awake to be annoyed by Gir as Dib sat there, watching him with a nerdy grin on his face. Gir had long since gotten bored of his horrible, "I'm not touching you!" evil, but instead, he took off his doggy suit (Let's just pretend he was wearing it all this time. Yeeeah. O.O), threw it at Zim's head (Which, actually, wasn't much smaller than Dib's enormous head, so I guess Zim's some kind of big-headed hypocrite or something.) and boogied the night away. Oh, and such boogying it was.

After a while, though, Dib even got annoyed of watching the hateful look Zim was giving him, and had Gir sit back down.

The two big-headed (Sorry, Zim.) dudes sat there for a while, glaring at each other from opposite ends of the pit (while Gir smiled), until Dib broke the creepy, awkward silence of really stinky doom.

"How do you think we're going to get out of here?"

Zim shrugged. "I don't know yet. Even if I did, I wouldn't help you, stink monster."

"So the superior alien can't think of a way out?" Dib asked mockingly.

"I can...I just...don't want to at the moment."

"The longer it takes for you to think of something, the longer you'll be stuck in here with Gir."

Gir looked confused. "Isn't that a good thing?"

No one paid any attention to Gir's question. Zim got a scared look at Dib's statement.

"I guess you're right. I'll think of something, as long as you both are quiet."

"Fine." Din leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms.

Gir looked at Dib, still confused. "But, I'm nice. Why wouldn't someone want to be around me?"

"I demand silence!" Zim yelled.

Gir stuck out his tongue at his former master, then, was lost in his thoughts of why someone wouldn't want to watch him dance for hours. Was he a bad dancer?

Meanwhile, ZIR was about to yell something all dramatic and evil-like just like Zim always does. Oh, my gosh! Golly, oh, gee!

ZIR threw up his arms above his head as he yelled, "Finally, my creation is done! It is the Doom Bot of Really Nasty, Horrible, Awful Pain That's Bad! It shall go forth, and destroy the nasty, human scum of this planet! The few that I spare shall fear me and my iron fist (which actually is some kind of metal, unlike Zim's 'iron fist'). And then..." ZIR smiled. "And then I will cause Zim and those two foolish trespassers more pain than they would've thought possible. I can hear them now..." ZIR paused to watch the imaginary torture going on in his sick, sick, little mind. After imagining himself killing Zim at least three times, he laughed a horrible, sadistic laugh that could be heard within a fifteen foot radius of him. Neato.

ZIR was going to rest from all his hard work, but when he was done, he was going to unleash the Doom Bot on all mankind.


	10. Gir Does Something Useful

Chapter 10: Gir Does Something Useful

"I'm amazing!" Zim yelled suddenly. "I have thought of the most ingenious escape plan ever devised! Gir, do you still have all those gun thingies in your head?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Gir yelled back, even though in such a small space, yelling isn't needed. goes into a big explanation on how fast sound travels in a second

"I thought you would've replaced it with tuna or something else equally as nasty. My plan is..."

"Nuh-uh!" Gir shrieked. "Tuna's not nasty! It's so amazing, it blows my mind!"

Zim gave Gir a nasty look for the rude interruption, and Dib put his hand over the robot's mouth to end his infernal noise making.

"As I was saying, Gir can use the...stuff in his head to break through the ceiling of the pit. Then, I'm not sure about you, Dib, but I'm getting out of here. So, Gir, do what I just said."

"I'm not letting Gir do anything unless you agree to help me out, too," Dib said, still trying to restrain Gir.

Zim glared at him for a moment. "Very well. I'm still going to destroy you someday anyway, Dib-stink."

"Whatever." Dib released Gir, who's feeling were hurt once again in this demented, little fic. All the neato thingies in Gir's head came out and blew a hole in the pit ceiling, even though I already said all that stuff, but I must make this story longer because someone told me to! Bwaha! (Remember the things that came out of Gir's head in Bloaty's Pizza Hog? That's neat.) Sadly, the hole was just big enough for Gir to squeeze through. No big-headed human or really adorable, precious, big-headed Irken could fit through. Whatever will they do?

Dib and Zim stared at the ceiling in disappointment, while Gir struck an action pose, feeling very proud of himself.

"Any ideas?" Dib asked.

Zim gave him an evil smile. "You thought I wouldn't know what to do, but you're wrong, dirt beast! I know exactly what to do! I know so well, that you are extremely foolish to think such a stupid thing...as me not knowing what has to be done! Gir will go through that hole, and find whatever it was ZIR used to open this thing in the first place. I think even _you _should be able to figure out the rest." Now it was Zim's turn to look proud of himself, but he's always proud of himself, so whatever.

Gir looked to Dib for approval, then, flew up through the hole with the little jets in his feet. Once free of the pit, he went looking for the thing Zim had mentioned, all the while making sure he wasn't being watched. Wow, Gir's intelligence has really improved. Too bad Zim got rid of him...

It wasn't long before Gir found ZIR sitting in a chair, sleeping. A big, scary robot was not too far away. The little robot snuck up to ZIR and took the little device lying nearby. He was pretty sure it was the thing he was looking for.

As quiet as a minimoose, Gir went back to the pit and pressed the evil red button. Just as he had hoped, the pit opened up. In just a few moments, Zim came out with the help of the mechanical legs in his PAK, holding Dib by his weird hair. Dib looked very relieved when Zim put him down.

"Good job, Gir," Zim said.

"I still don't like you!" Gir ran over to Dib.

"Where was ZIR?"

"I'm not tellin'!" Gir said.

"Dib, get him to answer me!" Zim ordered.

"Answer him," Dib said.

Gir saluted. "Yes, Master Dib!" The robot gave Zim a dorky look, then, answered his question, but it involves a room name that I don't know. hums Banjo-Kazooie song

Anyway, the three escapees went to the fhdshfkhgks room, but ZIR wasn't there, and neither was the scary robot Gir was too dumb to tell anyone about.

Meanwhile, ZIR stood atop a lawn gnome, watching his doomy minion wreak havoc on the peaceful little neighborhood, which eventually would be the city, and then the entire world. And there's no Superman or Batman to help them now! Ahahaha...I mean, oh, no! cowers

The scary Doom Bot had big claws, and with them, tossed cars and madness dogs around like Lucky Charms from a little kid's cereal bowl. (But, were they as lucky as Turkeyneck's neck meats? Only the Blotch knows.) It broke windows and knocked down trees. Not even a really stinky baby could stand up to such destruction!

ZIR laughed wickedly. "Yes, my creation! Destroy the disgusting human filth! No creature shall dare defy me!" He laughed even more as the Doom Bot walked right through a house. Look at it go!

The Doom Bot made its way slowly, but surely towards the actual city, leaving horrifying destruction of destructive horror in its wake. Sweet jumping chili beans, what will happen next? Prepare your bladder for imminent release, or I may never tell you the next really awful chapter of terror! Oh, no, it's scary!


	11. Another Chapter of Lamely Written Terror

Chapter 11: Another Chapter of Lamely Written Terror

(Is your bladder prepared for such a horrifying chapter? If it's not, then you shall need a fresh pair of undergarments before it's over. Nasty.)

Zim, Dib, and Gir, seeing that ZIR was gone, went outside (Of course, Zim and Gir were in their disguises.), looking for the possessed robot. (I don't know what they were doing all that time the Doom Bot was destroying the neighborhood, but we'll just ignore that.) They didn't have to go far, since ZIR was still standing on top of a lawn gnome, watching his big, scary minion from afar.

Zim whispered to Gir, "Get him!"

After Dib nodded his approval once again, Gir stuck his tongue out at Zim and snuck up behind ZIR. Shaking his little booty like a cat ready to rip a mouse to shreds, he pounced on ZIR and pinned the evil robot to the ground. Sadly, ZIR was too smart for Gir's dumber-than-a-pot-of-fondue brain, and did some fancy, little attack to throw Gir off of him. (Maybe he was practicing karate or something.)

As Gir wiped off the dirt he had landed in, ZIR glared at the two big-headed dudes and the retarded robot with a nasty, hateful look.

"You may've escaped from the pit, but you can't stop the destruction of the Doom Bot!" ZIR shrieked dramatically. "Don't even try!"

Before anyone could do anything, ZIR flew off with the jets in his feet.

Already, half of the city was gone. The Doom Bot was so full of doom and mission goo, no one could stop its mad, destroying skills. Or could they? Well, they probably could, but you wouldn't need fresh undergarments if I had said that in the first place.

As Dib watched the destruction of one of the many cities he had been trying to save from Zim, the Irken was already thinking of a plan. An amazing plan. It was so amazing...I don't know. All I know is it was amazing, especially because Zim thought of it. I love Zim good.

Anyway, Zim was getting one of those conceited I-thought-of-an-ingenious-plan smiles. "I'll be right back," he said.

Zim ran back inside the house and came back out the funky roof flying the Voot Cruiser. He flew towards the Doom Bot, all the while looking to see where ZIR had gone. With the ease of someone as amazing as him, Zim used the same things on the Doom Bot as he did with Ultra Peepi, and the scary robot was shot off into space. But, where was ZIR? Bum bum bum.

As Zim flew back to Dib and Gir, looking more conceited than normal, ZIR was in the city, shocked to see his Doom Bot, his amazing, really tall minion, defeated with such ease.

"He shall pay!" ZIR shook his fist. "No one beats me that easily, especially no one as pathetic as Zim!" The bad tempered robot paused for a moment. "I thought I even told him not to try to destroy the Doom Bot! He didn't listen! I'm going to have to do something awful! Something evil! Something so terrible, that no one will dare disobey my orders again!" ZIR paused again and thought for a moment. Then, with an evil laugh, he hid in a dumpster to devise a really nifty revenge plan.

Anyway, Dib and Gir went back home, and Zim went back into his lab. He didn't know where ZIR was, but he didn't expect the horrible robot to return. He's arrogant like that. He yelled some nasty, Irken cuss words at his computer for not obeying him and all those other kinds of things that take up space.

But, in a dumpster far, far away, ZIR may've been defeated once, but he was too determined to let it happen again. I already said this stuff, but let me say it again just for the heck of it. ZIR was more interested in getting revenge to Zim than conquering Earth at the moment. And now because of this scary robot, the next chapter might be really scary, like, some kind of scary movie. Those are, like, the scariest movies out there, those scary ones. rambles on some more to make the chapter longer


	12. The Return of ZIR

Chapter 12: The Return of ZIR

It was a week or so since the Doom Bot was destroyed and ZIR retreated into a dumpster, and everything was back to normal. Well, not really. I don't know. Anyway, Gir was still living with Dib. Sadly, even with Gir, Dib wasn't very good at spying on Zim and got caught basically every time. Zim was alone in his lab, still trying to learn more about the destructive powers of rabid squirrels. Today, he was testing how fast they could run with no legs.

Zim's legless squirrel experiment wasn't going very well, though. Apparently, squirrels have four legs for a reason. "Inferior Earth beasts!" Zim growled.

He watched the squirrels flop about like fish, then, ended their misery (If you could call it that.) by shooting them into the sun. The wives and children of these brave squirrel soldiers had a sad, little funeral, but that has nothing to do with anything.

Anyway, Zim put the remaining squirrels into a cage, where they chattered threats in their little squirrel language and went to get ready for Skool. He still needed to finish a report on which is more doomed: The chicken or the egg? But, he paused halfway to the elevator. Something didn't seem right.

He stood still for a moment, listening for anything out of the ordinary. All he heard were some curses from the squirrels, but that was all.

Zim laughed to himself. "I must be hearing things." He paused and listened again. "Nothing is down here, except for me and those...Would you be quiet!"

The noise from the squirrels was getting annoying. At the sudden yelling from the Irken, the squirrels shut their noise tubes and gave him the evil eye.

Zim sighed. "That's better." But, he regretted quieting the squirrel beasts, for now everything was completely silent. More so than normal.

He stood there a minute or more, listening for any sound at all, but after hearing nothing, began to walk again. Once again he heard a quiet sound and stopped. It was closer this time.

"Who is down here?" Zim yelled, "I demand to know!"

But, of course, only silence answered him.

Once again he stood still, but still no sound was heard. He was creeped out now and starting walking, then running to the elevator as fast as his short, little legs could carry him.

He was almost there, until the lights went out. The strange sound came again, closer than before.

"Go away!" Zim yelled. He backed into something, but it was only a wall. He started to feel along the wall for the elevator, watching as two red lights came out from behind something, seeming to float quickly towards him. To his relief, he found the elevator, and got in. It rose up to the main level before the evil thing downstairs could get too close.

Now that he was back upstairs, he quickly put on his disguise and ran out of the house to Skool. Aww, poor Zimmy's scared.

The entire Skool day, Zim was twitching and jumping at the slightest noises. He was afraid that evil whatever it was would attack at any moment. The dirt children gave him strange looks, but not much else happened.

After Skool, as Zim was walking home, it began to rain.

"Why am I hated so!" he yelled. Poor Zim. Nothing seemed to be going right. He stayed under a tree until the rain stopped, and it was getting late by the time he got back to the base. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to get back, after the creepiness in his lab, though.

When he got inside, everything looked normal. "But, what if that thing is still down there?" Zim asked himself. "It could be waiting for me." He shuddered. "Waiting."

He glanced around suspiciously, as if something might attack at any moment. He took off his disguise and continued his paranoid rambling. "That horrible thing got past the gnomes and in the lab without me knowing. What evil force is at work here?" He paused again and took a deep breath. "But, I am an invader. I shouldn't fear something foolish enough to trespass here. I will show it what happens when you mess with me. I am Zim!"

After the dramatic pause that always follows moments like these, Zim marched over to the toilet and flushed himself down. He went down an elevator to the same room he had been in earlier. The lights were back on, but the eerie silence was still there.

"I know someone's down here!" Zim yelled, "And I will find you! Don't think you can hide from someone as amazing as me!"

The rabid squirrels were still silent as they watched Zim searching for the nasty, little critter that scared him earlier. (Though, he would never admit that the great Invader Zim was ever afraid of anything.) As he looked around, he never heard that strange sound, but he could feel that someone was watching him.

The squirrels started chattering again. Zim started to turn around to yell at them again, but something knocked him to the floor. He quickly got up and turned around to see ZIR glaring at him with a hateful look in his red eyes.

"You? What are you doing back here?" Zim asked angrily.

"You didn't think you could get rid of me that easily, did you?" ZIR hissed.

"Actually, I did."

ZIR gave Zim a weird look. "You're a moron."

The creepy robot pushed Zim to the ground again before the poor, abused Irken could do anything. ZIR grabbed Zim by the neck and started to choke him. Poor Zim tried to use the mechanical legs from his PAK to fight back (That rhymes.), but it didn't work, as weak as he already was from lack of oxygen. ZIR's a strong, little fella.

Suddenly, ZIR's eyes went black, and he fell over. He had been turned off. Zim sat up. Gir was standing next to ZIR's limp body.

"Hi!" Gir waved to him.

Zim stood up. "Gir? What are you doing here?"

"I missed ya, Zimmeh!" Gir ran over to Zim and gave him a hug.

Zim just stood there, confused. (He's had a rough day.)

"I don't want to stay with Dib anymore. His head is too big," Gir said.

After Gir was done with his huggyness, him and his not-so-big-headed Master got rid of ZIR. Hating the homicidal maniac of a robot as much as he did, Zim made sure ZIR stood no chance of coming back. (He had him ripped into shreds, then melted. If that doesn't stop ZIR, nothing will.)

Everything went back to normal. Zim and Gir lived together again, Gir destroying things and Zim being grumpy and yelling all the time. Poor Dib was alone, and with a new, working toaster, him and his sister were able to make toast once again. I'm glad it had a happy ending. wipes away a tear


End file.
